Underwear model-in-training

Today I realized that I could stroll around the residence hall in my underwear as I am the only one here. And so I did, with great relish and flamboyance.

Who was I kidding?

I finally ventured forth from my cave-like to behold this ceremony for which the University had spent countless hours preparing. I was momentairily surprised, although once I thought about it, I suppose I ought not have been. My school is not known for being very uptight- we're not exactly an Ivy League here. However, the scene before me had all the formality of a street fair. People had brought lawn chairs and were milling about or lounging on the grass. Children played and ran around. The occaisional individual talked on a cell phone, one man hiding behind a large bush to do so, presumably out of consideration for those around him. I could not help but think that this is what a celebration looks like; thousands of people sitting rigidly in uncomfortable chairs listening to a speaker drone on is hardly a celebration. I doubted anyone but the pretty committee would have noticed a crooked blind or window ajar. I asked myself, who then, exactly, was requiring me to have my apartment under such dark and airless conditions? Which translates into, when we commit everyday acts of rebellion, does anyone else necessarily notice or care? Who exactly is keeping us from being free? Are we just policing ourselves?

The Limit Approaches Infinity

I'm feeling a bit like I am in hiding as I am required to sit quietly in my apartment with the lights off and the blinds closed while graduation goes on in the quad. (as if anyone would see my little light as it is broad daylight, my windows are hidden by a significant quantity of shrubbery, and my apartment is on the opposite side of the building from the quad) To add further aggravation to my annoyance, my building has been opened up for the public to use the bathrooms and since my living room and the bathroom share a wall, I get to hear every proud parent and grandparent of a university grad flush. (Its only 9am- why can't people just pee before they leave the hotel? Why?) But I'm not complaining; I love this job.

So I'm sitting here, trying to focus my thoughts to pull together a piece on identity that I am to submit to an online magazine but all I want to do is get back to reading On the Road, by Jack Kerouac, my current literary crush. In my reading lately I have begun to notice a pattern of interest in literature about wandering. Or perhaps it is an interest in rebellion and rejection of the mainstream. It began with a bit of random reading about Bohemian culture in an unmentionably un-Bohemian bookstore and then grew when I received the book Boxcar Bertha for Christmas. From there, I began to explore some of the literature by an ex-workers' collaborative. My most recent read of this sort was Off the Map, which tells the story of two young women who travel Europe without map or money. It was a striking story of love, dreams, and the beautiful things that can happen when people fling themselves out into the world, trusting in the goodness of the universe to catch them.

Since doing all of this reading, I have been wondering, what would it be like to live without my current boundaries and conventions? To discard my current daily cares and seek only that which I find to be good and truthful? I cannot help but feel that I have neither the courage nor the willingness to go without my creature comforts and live with the reckless abandon that the characters in my books exemplify. Or do I? The essence of a life without limits is that it does not have to look the same as anyone else's life without limits- not Bertha's or Jacks or Kika and Hib's (the women from Off the Map).

I ponder, what would our world be like if we were less worried about how much money we were going to make this year, what kind of car we were going to drive, what song we would upload to our iPod next, or where we would buy our next cup of coffee? What if we did abandon these material affairs and instead focused on being good neighbors and good inhabitants of our environment? Once freed from material cares what would our lives look like? How much more time would we have to really and truly appreciate life? How much higher value would we place on love and freedom of the spirit?

How often can any of say that we have truly loved? Loved without exclusion or condition? Even love we have tried to box in and put borders on. How we should and shouldn't act when in love, who we should and shouldn't love, what lengths we should and shouldn't go to for someone we love. And freedom, true freedom, freedom where our spirits are completely unbound to worldly demands, have any of us ever really felt that? I doubt that I have and yet I know that I want to, that I will seek it with a passion until the day I die.

And so if we free our hearts and minds of material ties what of our ties to convention? Is it really so important that we cater to the expectations of those around us? What would happen if I decided to sleep outside on the grass one night instead of in my bed? Or if I talked a little to loud or shared my opinion a little too much? Or if printed my own literature and distributed it for free instead of incessantly submitting it to the approval of magazine editors? (wait, I think I'm already doing that here) Or worse yet, wore colors that didn't match and relished in it? Or didn't shower for three days? Or took the time to write real letters instead of emails? Or turned in a short story for an assignment that was an essay? This may all sound like minor rule-breaking but once we start creating our own rules and definitions, will we want to stop?

Yet I write all of this while driven into hiding by my job contract. So I am a hypocrite or a subversive or both. This quandary challenges me even further with its apparent dichotomy. However, as was recently pointed out to me, most dichotomies are illusory and I'm sure the current one is no exception. Perhaps it is possible to color not just outside the lines but inside them as well. Perhaps it is possible to allow our jobs to have our minds for a few hours a day without having our hearts or compromising our freedom.

What April Showers?

Since writing the post on dreams I have been thinking a great deal more on the subject. I have even made one of those lists of 'things I want to accomplish.' On this list I put things that have been life aspirations of mine for a while now. Among them are: travel to all seven continents, run a half-marathon, see U2 in concert, publish an article in a national magazine, publish a book, and hike a very large mountain (Long's Peak or similar).

I have to admit that at first I resisted the idea of a list. It seems so cliché; so finite. Did I really want to quantify and therefore limit my dreams? Finally I came to realize that a list could supplement without restricting the direction of my dreaming. And so I think of the list as more of a guideline rather than an agenda. Items can be added or removed to the list as I see fit, as my concept of life changes.

However, there are also dreams I have that are unlistable. Such as: enjoy sunny days, continue to make new friends, cherish and appreciate old friends, seek truth and meaning, love, dance, breathe in the beauty of the world around me. These are continuous processes rather than discreet events, but this does not make them any less important. If anything, they are even more vital to a fulfilled life than are the items on the list. After all, one can have adventure after adventure and still feel very unsatisfied. Without learning how to appreciate them, the adventures and accomplishments are worthless.

Nonetheless, in approximately the past 10 days I have accomplished three of the goals on my 'list.' I have seen U2 in concert, I have run a half-marathon, and an article that I wrote has been accepted by a national magazine. As a friend of mine pointed out to me, this may be the only time in my life that I will see the fulfillment of three list items in such a short period of time.

But it doesn't stop there. Not only have I checked off a significant portion of my list, I have also greatly enjoyed days in between. I have met so many amazing people, from Boogieburg to Denver to Nashville. I have spent much time outside, savoring the emergence from winter hibernation. I have seen old friends and rekindled those relationships. I have loved, laughed, and yes, I have danced (and not just on the floor- on the bar at Coyote Ugly as well). I have sang, at times to the dismay of those around me, and I have written with great vim and vigor. Like all of the blossoming flora around me, I have experienced a renewal of spirit this spring.

This April was, quite possibly the best month of my life. It seems almost unbelievable to me, but I realized that I am living the life that I have imagined. And so I am driven to dream bigger than before. I have realized the value of having dreams. How could I appreciate the fulfillment of something if I did not know it was what I wanted? And perhaps the most amazing thing of all that has occurred this April is that I have truly come to believe in the sanctity of dreams.

Summer Edition of Whim

Links to this week's articles:
Darfur
U2 Concert Review
Spark Arrester Interview
How I paid for College
I have four articles in this edition because it is the summer issue and will be up for a few months.
Updates on my recent travels will be posted soon!